10 Oct Are You Dependent on Ego Welfare Checks?
When discussing Becoming an Evolution Engineer and The Four Elements of Evolution, I tend to focus on The Four Elements. In my mind, I’ve worked with adopting an Evolutionary Mindset for so long that it only seems natural, and I feel that, in order to really implement an Evolutionary Mindset, one needs to understand how The Four Elements fit in. However, it’s come to my Awareness that The Four Elements begin to fall into place as one works with adopting an Evolutionary Mindset. For that reason, I’m going to spend more time exploring concepts related to Evolutionary thinking.
What comes to your mind as you read the title of this blog? What comes up for you when you hear or read the word “welfare”? It can be a pretty politically charged word for many people, but for the remainder of this blog, I’d like to examine it more objectively from the energetic perspective.
In my personal opinion, I believe when the welfare system was implemented in the U.S., it was done so with good intentions. The Great Depression tested America’s sense of individualism, and in an effort to help those financially crippled by the economic downturn, a National Welfare system was implemented. A gesture, born from the altruistic nature of humanity.
It makes perfect sense that when we see another human in need, we want to help them. We naturally look out for the welfare of others. It feels good to help others and make others feel good. Energetically speaking, to give is to receive. Evolution is dependent on the ebb and flow of natural rhythms. When there is too much taking/consuming, it becomes cancerous; when there is too much giving/purging, starvation sets in.
What happens though when the power dynamic behind the give and take is out of balance? What if the giving has strings attached or creates a dependency in the receiver? What happens when welfare becomes a vehicle for control and dependency? You may think I’m still talking about our National Welfare program… I’m not. I’m talking about the Ego Welfare program.
Someone I’m close to has a working relationship with a person that I just can’t bring myself to cozy up to. The person hasn’t really done anything to me, per se, but something about the relationship has bothered me for some time. I understand that I’m just an observer, so it’s not my place to dictate how they engage, but because the relationship has bothered me so much and for so long, I went on my own internal expedition to try and understand the source of this very visceral message.
What I was having trouble understanding was how this amazing, funny, smart, generous, capable person that I know would seemingly turn over a lot of their power to this other person. Not in extreme or obvious ways, but rather in very subtle ways making it more perceptible energetically than physically. On the surface the exchange appears to be on the up-and-up, but just below the surface there’s a very familiar powerplay taking place. What became apparent to me is that this other person is where my friend goes to receive their Ego Welfare Checks.
I’ve been aware for some time that this person I care about has some deep wounding and insecurities that are at the heart of their amazingness. What I didn’t realize, or have the language for, was how these insecurities left them disempowered and hungry for validation. A lightbulb went on in my mind as I framed this relationship in the context of welfare. I could see how their need to be needed and validated, when satisfied through small doses of compliments and attention, left them stranded and rationalizing the relationship with their perceived savior. A relationship akin to an emotional Stockholm Syndrome – defensive of their captor.
When someone’s resources are depleted, whether it be money, food, self-love, or confidence, it makes sense that they may turn to another person for support. Unfortunately, what can happen when we are operating unconsciously is, instead of receiving the handout and being empowered by it, in the few moments following receipt of the gift, when we experience a reprieve from our pain, we run the risk of becoming dependent on it. The giver gets a little ego pick-me-up as well – a dose of power. With each party defending the relationship, citing the superficial, social-sanctioned exchange.
If either party is operating consciously, that’s the end of the exchange. If either party is operating unconsciously, that person will move on to their next mark. If both parties are operating unconsciously, it becomes the archetypal playground for all great stories. The villain and victim, the oppressor and oppressed… only told from the perspective of the average, everyday life.
Someone gives you attention or a compliment. It feels good. You want a little more. You do something else to elicit another dose, even if it means compromising yourself just a little bit. You get another hit. Internally, you feel a little bad about the compromise, but it’s subtle so you don’t recognize it as the source of discomfort. Besides, it starts to blend in and become indistinguishable from the rest of your pain. You keep returning to your “savior,” hoping they issue you another Ego Welfare Check, even if it’s a small one. You’ll take what you can get at this point.
BAM! My phone dings. I immediately check the text that came in. The lightbulb in my head gets a little brighter as the Universe loving brings to my attention how this story is playing out in my own life. I’m collecting Ego Welfare Checks too!!
This relationship manifests in all types of addiction, whether it’s drugs, food, social media, or being needed, it doesn’t matter, the hit we receive is the same. We are trying to stop some sort of pain. Often a pain operating below the surface and outside our conscious awareness. Regardless of where we get our hit, when we give up our power for short-term relief, we are systematically disempowering ourselves.
In my opinion, when this cycle involves another human being, it can be particularly difficult to break free. Ideally, we are lifting each other up. The welfare we provide one another, whether through encouraging words or a helping hand, should help us move beyond our current limited state. But, when the other person is getting some of their own ego gratification out of the exchange, there’s no opportunity to see the patterns that are holding us down.
Our addictions to immediate, external gratifications are little ego welfare checks. They give us enough to keep us alive and hoping for more, but they never fully satisfy us. They never can fully satisfy us.
In my book (due out later this year), one of the characteristics of an Evolutionary Mindset is the difference between being focused on an external target as opposed to an internal state of being. If we are focused and dependent on something outside of us to fill an emotional need, we will always miss the mark because we are chasing a perpetually moving target. All the external world can do is provide us feedback that indicates where we are along our internal journey.
That’s not to say that a kind word, liking your friend’s social media post, a genuine compliment, or offering a much-needed handout is a bad thing. They are all beautiful expressions of human connection. However, when we become dependent on them, they stifle our personal evolution. By all means, use them as steppingstones along your journey, but use them knowing full-well that they are not your ultimate source of value, love, or connection.
As you embark on the evolutionary path, pay attention to where you have compromised in order to collect your own ego welfare check. Don’t sell yourself short. You are more valuable than you know and every step along the evolutionary path will reveal it to you.
If you’d like to explore this concept further, visit my Patreon page for the accompanying Biofield Tuning meditation.
Happy Evolving!!